Little Do You Know
by Charmita
Summary: Jay didn't think their first fight after moving in together would be able to break them, lead to Erin pushing him away again and to stony silence filling the room whenever he was alone with her. He should have known better. [Set some time after 4x11]
1. How I'm Breaking while You fall Asleep

**Title:** Little Do You Know (Inspired by the song _Little Do You Know_ by Alex and Sierra)

 **Summary:** Jay didn't think their first fight after moving in together would be able to break them, lead to Erin pushing him away again and to stony silence filling the room whenever he was alone with her. He should have known better. [Set some time after 4x11]

 **Genre:** Angst/Hurt/Comfort

 **Pairing:** J. Halstead, E. Lindsay

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** So I don't really know where this came from to be honest. I just couldn't sleep last night and I was in a really dark mood and thinking about Linstead and this came out of it. I normally avoid writing angst, because ... well it's depressing and I like happy stories better, so I'm not sure if this is any good. This chapter is from Jay's perspective, so you know as much as he does and what's going on with Erin will be revealed in chapter 2, if I decide to continue this… I hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise). The chapter titles will be lyrics from the song I mentioned above.

 **Cover art by:** **mehtiification**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or any dialogue you recognize from the show, neither do I own** _ **Little Do You Know**_ **by Alex and Sierra.**

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 **C** **hapter 1:** _How I'm Breaking (while You fall Asleep)_

When Jay got back from Will and Nina's place that evening, exhausted after having a long day at work and then heading over to meet his brother and the pathologist for dinner right after his shift had ended, the apartment was dark and empty.

With a sigh, he switched on the lights, pulled off his shoes and put them on the floor next to Erin's, before changing out of his coat and hanging it on the rack by the door.

The presence of her signature boots was proof that his partner was indeed home, even if the dark and empty living room indicated the opposite.

She'd probably gone to bed early, he mused, like she had done for the past couple of weeks. Ever since she'd gotten home that night a few weeks ago, after she'd stormed out of the district earlier in the day and had told Hank she'd be taking a personal day, things hadn't been the same.

Jay had been relieved to see that she'd made good on her promise and had found her way back to their shared place eventually. He'd been really worried about her all day and had almost expected her not to come home at all because of the things that had been said between them earlier.

He regretted getting so worked up - all he had wanted had been for her not to get her heart broken again, to protect her from the evil that was Bunny and from her mother's endless schemes.

It wasn't that he didn't want Jimmy to be her dad, the guy seemed nice enough for an ex-convict, Jay just wanted Erin to have something real for once, wanted her to have actual proof that she was not living in a fantasy.

' _Well, that backfired pretty quickly,'_ he thought darkly. Of all the people that were to blame, actually there was only one person to blame… and her name started with a B, Erin had chosen to take her anger out on him, because he had been the one to push her into getting Jimmy's DNA tested.

Her sarcastic comment, spoken in the heat of the moment, born out of the shock, anger and disappointment consuming her after her world had once again been shattered into a million little pieces, had hit him like a punch to the gut.

It had cut deeper than any knife ever could and he'd lost his temper and he'd lashed out at her just like she'd lashed out at him.

Their fight hadn't been pretty and people had started to notice that something wasn't right, more importantly Hank Voight had noticed, and it had all gone downhill from there.

When Erin had come home that night, he'd been ready to apologize again, to forgive, forget and move on. His plan had been derailed however when she'd entered the apartment, smelling of alcohol and cigarettes and when he'd asked her where she'd been she had stonewalled him again, only giving him a vague answer about having had to take care of things.

He had wanted to push and make her tell him what exactly she had been up to and why she was shutting him out again, but he just hadn't had it in him to start a conversation that would most certainly turn into another fight.

They had gone to bed soon afterwards, both filled with regret over accusations that had been thrown around and the way they had acted towards each other earlier in the break room and the bullpen.

Lying there in the dark, side by side, separated only by mere inches, Jay had felt like they had never been further apart, until Erin had reached over and had squeezed his hand.

"I really am sorry," she had whispered before a heavy silence had engulfed the dark room once again. His response had been nonverbal - a simple squeeze of her fingers that had still been intertwined with his.

Thinking back to that night now, when he was making his way through their apartment, turning the lights off as he went, just using the moonlight streaming in through the huge glass windows in the living room as a guide instead, he realized that it probably would have been better if he had gone through with pushing her into telling him everything instead of deciding to give her space and letting her bottle it all up inside.

But it was too late now, the damage had already been done.

He carefully pushed the door to their bedroom open and saw a figure curled up under the blankets on the bed after his eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the room.

He made his way over to the bed, pulled the blankets that were pooling around his girlfriend's waist up a little higher and dropped a quick kiss on her forehead, before leaving the room and closing the door- a habit that had quickly turned into a routine within the last few weeks.

Jay wanted nothing more than to go back inside, climb into their bed and hold her, tell her that he loved her and that it would be ok, that she, that _they_ , would survive this, but he couldn't and not just because she had walled herself in with the six pillows she used to sleep with on a regular basis before they had moved in together.

She'd barely spoken to him in the last two weeks. If she had decided to initiate a conversation, it had always been work-related and after having tried to talk about something that wasn't case-related only to be met with vague, evasive answers every time, Jay had finally caved and had stopped trying to breach the awkward silence that had settled heavily between them whenever they were alone.

A few day's into Erin icing him out, he had taken to sleeping in the guest bedroom. That was after he'd tried to hold her one evening and she'd quickly wiggled out of his embrace, avoiding his gaze while telling him that she just needed a little time, and he had told her in response that it was ok, that he would wait.

She had nodded and he had left. Erin hadn't questioned it, she had just let him go. The following morning neither of them had brought up the fact that he'd slept in the guest bedroom, formerly Nadia's room, and hadn't returned to their shared bed.

A week into them not speaking, he had moved some of his stuff into the guest bedroom, it was just easier. That way he didn't have to sneak into the master bedroom every morning to get his clothes for the day, while Erin was getting ready in the en-suite bathroom.

If Erin had noticed that some of his things were missing, she had chosen not to mention it which only had made the whole situation worse for Jay, because he had hoped that maybe, just maybe, she would start talking to him again, even if it was just to ask him why he had moved his stuff.

It seemed that it had had the opposite effect though and she had withdrawn even more from him if that was possible.

She now got up an hour earlier in the mornings. Based on her closed off behavior, he supposed it was to avoid having to see him before work. Driving or at least coming into work together was a distant memory of the past, and even if they left the district at the same time, she'd either go back mumbling something about having to finish up on some paperwork, or she'd vanish quickly and by the time he got home she'd already be in her room, or gone without a trace, returning in the middle of the night, trying to be as quiet as she could in order not to wake him, even if it was no use, since he would lay wide awake in the guest bedroom every time, waiting for Erin to return home safely.

He was surprised she hadn't requested a change of partners yet, but maybe that was because she prided herself on being professional at work and not letting her personal feelings get in the way of their careers. It was funny, but at the same time not, how she seemed to be willing to trust him with her life but not her heart.

While he was laying wide awake in the guest room once again, he contemplated whether it would just be easier for him, for _them_ , if he moved out. Maybe that would give her the incentive needed to finally come around and talk to him, so that the hole in his chest, this feeling of emptiness where his heart used to be, would disappear and he, _they_ , could be happy again.

.


	2. I'm still Haunted By the Memories

**Title:** Little Do You Know (Inspired by the song _Little Do You Know_ by Alex and Sierra)

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** Thanks so much for the encouragement and nice words on chapter one - it really means a lot :) Also thank you to everyone who read, followed and favorited this story so far! So here's chapter two, as promised this will give a little more insight into how Erin has experienced the weeks after their fight. I hope it doesn't disappoint andthat even though it might be slightly depressing you'll still enjoy reading what I've come up with! Please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise).

 **Cover art by:** **mehtiification**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or any dialogue you recognize from the show, neither do I own** _ **Little Do You Know**_ **by Alex and Sierra.**

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 **Chapter 2:** _I'm still Haunted (By the Memories)_

Erin hadn't anticipated the wave of pain that washed over her when she heard the door to Nadia's old room close softly at the other end of the hallway. Had she not been lying down already, the intensity of it might have even caused her to double over.

There was no one but herself to blame for what she was experiencing right now and she knew it. That still didn't make it hurt any less.

Groaning, she clutched her pillow even tighter to her chest and tangled her legs with her knee-to-ankle pillow - the softness of the lifeless object was meant to comfort her, but all it managed to do was remind her that it was nothing but a poor substitute for the one thing, the one person, she really needed right now: Jay.

She'd much rather be wrapped around his body, feel his front pressed against her back, or rest her head on his shoulder, his arm settled on her waist, holding her close, while hers would be resting over his abdomen, her fingers ghosting over the hard planes of his naked chest, feeling his warmth seeping into her, starting with her fingertips, making its way through her body until the warm tingling feeling she got whenever they lay next to each other like that had spread out and had made it all the way down into her tiptoes.

A lonely tear rolled down her cheek and she angrily wiped it away, wishing she could just make it all stop, pretend that she hadn't spend the last two weeks crying herself to sleep every single night. Once she'd lay down and her head touched the pillow it was like a dam started to break and violent sobs would start shaking her body, even though she tried her hardest to silence her whimpers and quieten down so Jay wouldn't know how much this affected her.

She was aware that he came into their room to check up on her every night before he went to sleep in the room at the other end of the hall. It took everything in her not to react when his lips touched her forehead, the gentle contact leading her to feel like electric currents were shooting up her spine, making her shiver almost involuntarily and ever so subtly.

Hiding beneath a mask of indifference got harder every day, ignoring his lingering glances at work and pretending to be asleep during his nightly visits proved to be nearly impossible.

She wanted so badly just to reach out and take his hand, ask him to stay, ask him to never leave her again, ask him to never stop loving her, even though she had made it unnecessarily hard for him to do just that, but she couldn't.

She should have just told him where she'd been that day two weeks ago when everything had started to go wrong, should've told him about losing it with her mom, should've told him about Jimmy calling her a scam artist, should've told him about meeting Annie for drinks and should've told him about the question Annie had asked her.

' _What's stopping you?'_ The question kept reverberating in Erin's mind ever since her old childhood friend had first posed it and there wasn't a moment going by in which she didn't know the answer.

The truth was that Annie knew her like the back of her hand, so she had known the answer to that question all along. But she had wanted Erin to say it out loud, to admit that all the good the brunette had going here in Chicago still outweighed the bad, that even if her relationship with Hank wasn't what it used to be ever since that night at the silos, the night she tried so hard to black out from her memory, that even if her mother had just stooped down to a new low to make her come back to her, make her believe people could change, when deep down in her heart she knew that yeah people could change, but her mother would never be one of them, that even if once again she had been robbed of having a father, a family, she still had a job that she loved. A job in which she could do so much good for so many people that had it even worse than her, for the ones who could no longer speak for themselves because they had been robbed of the voice necessary to tell their story. And on top of that she still had someone in her corner 24/7. A partner in crime, a partner in life, a partner in love. All she had to do was let him in, but she had failed to do that once again, had let her inner demons get the best of her.

The guilt she felt for treating Jay the way she had for the past couple of weeks was overwhelming, it bore down on her chest, making it difficult to breathe.

Erin could vividly remember the last time Jay had tried to hold her in his arms. It had been a few days after their argument about the DNA test and she had regretted not opening up to him about the way she felt, about the things she had been up to after she'd stormed out of the bullpen and that's why she just couldn't have him touch her, couldn't have him love her when all she did was let him down and make him miserable. She hated herself for dragging him down. She was bad news and with the way things were going lately it seemed that that would never change.

She wanted to give him a chance to get out, to have a normal life with someone who wasn't as damaged, as emotionally unstable as she was, so she started putting her walls up and retreating into herself, keeping their conversations work-related and shut him down every time he tried to get to the bottom of things, to get her to open up to him.

Knowing he would keep trying if she didn't nip it in the bud, she had told him she just needed a little more time, even if they both knew that in this case more time wouldn't make their situation better, it would only make it worse. Time and space were the things Erin needed least of all at the moment, but Jay gave them to her without question and told her he'd wait, which made Erin's heart ache even more in her chest.

The brunette detective hadn't had the urge to use again, to get high until she couldn't even remember her own name, in a very long time. She'd been happy, she'd found the perfect substitute for the drugs, because she had been drugged up on Jay's love, but when one of her fantasy bubbles had been burst once again and reality had come crashing in, it had made her aware of the fact that this bubble of happiness she was living in with Jay could easily burst too.

The thought of losing him in any way was enough to make her want to go out and score or get drunk. She knew it would've been better if she had stayed away from alcohol in the first place after her downward spiral into addiction after Nadia's death.

She never drank much nowadays, just a couple of beers after shift or one or two shots when she was meeting with a friend, but right now she craved for a bottle of whisky, wanted to feel the burning sensation of liquor when it ran down the back of her throat.

She had been tempted to go out and let loose a lot, ever since she had started to give Jay the silent treatment, but she refused to give in, because she knew once she went down that path again it would be over. So instead she had been going on late night jogs if sleep wouldn't come or just walked around town for hours on end until she had been so tired she could barely keep her eyes open and had to take a cab back to their apartment.

Jay had been home when she returned, his shoes sitting by the front door and his coat on the rack and she had tried her best to be quiet and not disturb him, assuming he had been sleeping for hours, not knowing that she wasn't the only one suffering from insomnia these days.

She had thought about calling Dr. Charles, because she was in desperate need of talking to someone, but the guilt of choosing a psychiatrist over the person closest to her had made her put her phone down every time she had worked up the courage to dial his number.

On top of that she had started having nightmares again, about Nadia, about Justin, about what she had done for Voight, about what Jay would do if he ever found out, that she had disposed of a body not once but twice in her life.

She had thought about telling him what had happened all those years ago with Charlie and Annie and that guy Annie had killed in self-defense, but she felt like that was not her secret to tell and figured it would be easier to bury the past and just live in the present, except the past came always back to haunt her.

Erin knew the only way to stop Jay from realizing that she was at her breaking point was to get up earlier in the mornings to cover up her puffy eyes as good as she could and get in a shower that made her almost look human again. She knew he most probably thought she got up earlier to avoid having to talk to him, when the real reason was that she wanted to spare him from seeing her like this, her hair a mess and her face unrecognizable, cheeks hollowed in, her red eyes, swollen from crying, providing a stark contrast to the pale color of her skin.

After he had collected a few of his belongings and taken them with him to their spare bedroom one night, she had almost lost it, but had opted to stay silent and instead steal one of his shirts and sleep in it. The need to feel close to him had become more present than ever. She hadn't even changed the bed sheets since he had left and taken to sleep in the guest room and was always waiting until his nightly visits were over so she could crawl to the other side of the bed, the side that was supposed to be his, and sleep there, or at least try to.

The smell of his perfume mixed with the scent that was so uniquely Jay always comforted her, even when he wasn't there.

She had tried everything to make her pain lessen, to help her get over the immense guilt she felt whenever she looked at Jay, remembering that she was not only causing herself to be miserable beyond believe but that Jay was suffering too.

She caught him stealing glances at her from across the room or when they were driving somewhere in the 300. It was unnerving.

It would probably have been better if she had talked to Hank and asked him to switch partners, but she refused to let her tendency to self-destruct and destroy every good thing she had in her life affect her work life too.

Even if she couldn't bring herself to talk to the man she loved, she still wanted him close.

All these hours spent apart and alone in the dark were slowly killing her inside and they were definitely taking a toll on her body, too.

Thank God it was winter and she could get away with wearing as many clothes as possible so no one would notice that she'd lost weight due to not eating properly, overworking herself both physically and mentally and not getting enough sleep, even though Jay would make sure to drop off a cup of coffee and a sweet treat at her desk every morning.

It was almost as if he knew that she wasn't eating when he was not around, always keeping his eyes on her until she'd devoured whatever it was that he'd gotten for her that day.

And she couldn't help but let a small smile creep onto her face once she'd finished the treat and her coffee and when he gave her one of his blinding smiles in return, her heart never failed to skip a beat.

And she was happy, even if it was only for one second until she remembered that the reason she didn't see his beautiful smile quite as often as she normally would was her behavior.

She would never be able to forget the look on his face when she'd asked him if he was happy after he had delivered the news about the DNA test to her.

She had been furious in that moment. Why couldn't he have respected her wishes and just stayed out of it, let her stay in her little bubble of ignorance for a little while longer?

She was aware that that wouldn't have done her any good, that it would have probably hurt even more if she had discovered the truth about Jimmy, about Bunny lying to her once again, at a later date, but she had opted to shoot the messenger and taken her anger out on Jay who was only trying to do what was best for her by ripping the band-aid off and confronting her with the cold hard truth, even if his approach had been gentle and she couldn't detect any malice or ill will on his part.

She had been supposed to go with him to visit his brother at the doctor's new place tonight. She hadn't been there since the housewarming party Will and Nina had thrown a little while ago and since they rarely had time to spend an evening together with all four of them present, Will had come around the district at noon to remind them not to forget that they were on for dinner later.

Erin hadn't felt up for it though, knowing that the other couple would sense that something was off between them and she had thought all day about a way to get out of it until Jay had approached her at the end of their shift and had told her, he would tell his brother that Erin wasn't feeling well and that she'd stop by another time.

She had nodded at him in thanks, even if the pained look on his face had left her feeling empty and cold.

Hank had wanted to talk to her in his office shortly after Jay had left, he had looked concerned and told her if there was anything she needed he'd be there.

She had smiled at him, the smile not quite reaching her eyes, and assured him that it was nothing, that she just hadn't been sleeping well lately and that she would just call it an early night and try to catch up on some much needed sleep.

"You do you, kiddo," he had told her. "But know if you ever need a place to crash, my door is always open."

That finally made her realize that she couldn't postpone talking to Jay any longer. She had avoided it long enough and had then proceeded to spend all evening psyching herself up to talk to him when he would get home.

It had gotten later than she thought it would and the longer she waited the more anxious she got, until her nerves got the best of her and she had gone to bed despite wanting to stay in the living room, so she could try and talk to Jay on somewhat neutral grounds.

She could have stopped him, when he'd come in to give her a kiss goodnight, just like she had imagined doing every night since he had first started doing it, but once again fear had won out and had made her pretend to be asleep.

Steeling her resolve, she kicked off her blankets and piled the pillows she was using as a 'Jay substitute' next to her on the bed, before getting up and making her way over towards the door.

Sooner than she wanted she found herself standing in front of the guest room door, her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

Going back to her room was still an option, but she knew she had to do this, had to stop being a coward and face the inevitable, for both of their sakes.

Her hands were clammy and shaking, anxiety threatening to overwhelm her. It was like their entire relationship was replaying inside her mind's eye: from the moment they had first met to the moment of their first kiss to their breakup, to him not giving up on her after Nadia died, to their night on her new couch, to them getting back together, her shutting him out after Justin's death, him asking her to move in, her asking him to move in with her instead, their first 'I love yous' and then him meeting Bunny and Jimmy, the DNA test and everything that had followed afterwards.

By the time the onslaught of memories had stopped, silent tears were running down her face again, but she kept reminding herself that what she was doing now was for the best, that Jay deserved so much better and that she needed to put an end to both of their pain tonight.


	3. I'm ready to Forgive You

**Title:** Little Do You Know (Inspired by the song _Little Do You Know_ by Alex and Sierra)

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** Wow, thanks to all of you who read, followed, favorited and commented on this story :) I had some trouble choosing which way I wanted this to go, so that's why it took me a little longer to get it out. This chapter is once again written from Jay's perspective and I'm sorry for anyone who hoped they'd get to talk. I'll get to it, just not yet ;) But since I only plan for this to be a five chapter story, the resolution to all of this is coming soon :) I apologize for the shortness of this chapter, but I hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise).

 **Cover art by:** **mehtiification**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or any dialogue you recognize from the show, neither do I own** _ **Little Do You Know**_ **by Alex and Sierra.**

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 **Chapter 3:** _I'm Ready to Forgive You (but Forgetting Is a Harder Fight)_

Staring at the dark ceiling of the guest bedroom, Jay willed time to go by faster, so he could go to work on concentrate on something other than what the future would hold for his and Erin's relationship, or if there even was a future for them left to think about anymore.

His mind involuntarily drifted back to the conversation he had had with his brother earlier in the evening, while they were setting the table and Nina was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen.

" _What's up with you little brother? You're unusually quiet this evening," Will had remarked, shooting him a questioning glance across the dining room table._

" _It's nothing," he had said and tried to shrug his brother off._

" _Come on Jay, don't be like that. It's me you're talking to, I've always known when something's up with you, so cut the crap and just spit it out."_

 _But Jay had refused to give in and admit that his relationship with Erin was on the verge of failing, he didn't want it to and feared if he admitted out loud that they had hit yet another roadblock it would make it all the more real, so he just kept quiet and focused his attention on folding napkins instead._

" _You know you trying to distract me with making swan napkins isn't gonna work right?" Will joked when he saw what Jay was doing. "Is this about Erin?"_

 _Upon hearing his partner's name Jay's body went rigid, his whole posture stiffening before he could mask his discomfort and the hurt so clearly visible on his face._

" _So it is about her," Will concluded, "I thought she looked a little off when I met you guys at the district earlier. I hope it's nothing serious? If you need a doctor's opinion, don't hesitate to ask. I'm always here to help."_

 _Realizing that Will was probably referring to their made up excuse of Erin not feeling well, Jay sighed in frustration and just kept on working on folding the napkins. He just wasn't in the mood to keep lying right now._

" _She isn't pregnant is she? I mean not that there would be anything wrong with her being pregnant of course… I'd love to be an uncle… I just thought that Erin wasn't the type of person who would be thrilled at the thought of becoming a mother…" he trailed off, put off by the suddenly angry look on his brother's face._

" _You don't know that! You don't know anything about her, so why don't you just stop with making assumptions and just shut your damn mouth?" Jay was as shocked and surprised by his own outburst as Will looked and just shook his head, before making his way over to the kitchen. "I'm gonna go and see if Nina needs any help. I hope you can manage finishing up on your own."_

He really hadn't meant to go off on Will like that, but his brother's words had reminded him of another thing he wouldn't get to have if he didn't manage to clear the air with Erin. If she broke up with him now, they'd never get the chance to find out how she would react if she ever got pregnant with their child. He would like to think, that maybe in a couple years time, after they had had some time to settle down and talk of what bringing a child into their lives would mean for them as separate individuals and as a couple, she would have warmed up to the idea of one day starting a family together and the thought of having his baby maybe wouldn't completely freak her out anymore.

The rest of dinner had been awkward to say the least. Will hadn't spoken to him until he left, Nina was trying to lighten the mood, unaware of what had transpired between the brothers and Jay himself had been too lost in thought to contribute anything to the conversation. Eventually Nina had given up on trying to get him to engage in making small talk and had talked to Will about an upcoming medical conference that would be held at Chicago Med.

Jay had been thankful to be left alone with his dark thoughts and had quickly finished what was left on his plate in an attempt to cut the evening short and just get home.

Hopefully Erin would be there so he could talk to her. They could have it out, would finally be able to leave the limbo they were currently stuck in and either work it out together or work it out separately and try to move on.

Unfortunately Nina had had other plans and had talked him into staying with them, to watch a movie she'd wanted to watch for ages.

"Come on Jay, please. I'm sure you won't regret it," she'd pleaded and given him a puppy dog stare, those rarely worked on him if they were coming from anyone other than his girlfriend, but he'd felt a little guilty for taking his bad mood out on his brother and Nina and had reluctantly agreed to stay.

By the end of the movie he'd been even more frustrated and rattled and had convinced himself that it would be better to try and salvage his friendship with Erin while he still could and sacrifice the romantic aspect of their relationship if that meant she'd still be in his life.

Even though it hadn't felt like they'd rushed into moving in together, he couldn't help but think that maybe he'd been too pushy after Justin had died.

She'd been in a vulnerable position and he had wanted to help her, but she'd been determined to take everything on by herself, not to rely on him in her hour of need, just like she'd done ever since the minute they'd found out Jimmy wasn't her father.

Glancing tiredly at the digital alarm clock sitting on the night stand close to the bed, he suppressed a groan when he saw the time: 2.13 am.

He would have to wait for at least four more hours until he could get up and go outside for a morning run or a quick workout at the gym.

Closing his eyes in a desperate attempt to make the images of Erin looking at him that day in the break room, anger and hurt radiating off of her in waves, go away, he could've sworn he had heard the floorboards outside of his room creak, and wondered whether it was just his overactive mind tricking him into thinking somebody was out there because he hoped Erin had made up her mind and had come to talk to him or if it was indeed real and he would finally get a chance to tell her that even though she had shut him out once again, he was ready to forgive and move on if it meant they would face the next obstacle life sent their way together and not revert back to the routine they had started and lived for the past few weeks. Forgetting that she'd chosen not to trust him with her feelings and heart once again would be the harder part, but he was willing to try if she was willing to start letting him in.

But before he could get up to investigate the noise, to make sure it wasn't just a figment of his imagination, his phone, laying next to the clock on the night stand, started buzzing.

He reached for it blindly, too tired to open his eyes, unlocked the screen with a swipe of his fingers and answered, "Halstead."

"There's been a murder. Get your ass out of bed and moving. I'll text you the details and location," Hank Voight's gruff voice echoed through the phone.

"Got it, Sarge. We'll be there in 20."

Jay was ready to end the call, already making a move to grab the bag containing his clothes resting next to the bed, when his boss's voice stopped him in his track.

"Jay. I don't know what's going on with you and Erin, but you can't go on like this. You'll have to come to a decision soon. She's clearly hurting and so are you and I won't have that in my unit. So either you two work it out or I'll work it out for you and you might not like the outcome. Are we clear?"

"Crystal," Jay responded, too stunned to tell his boss that their personal life wasn't any of his business, except it was since Hank must have noticed that something was terribly wrong.

When he'd processed the full extent of the meaning of the conversation he'd just had, the line had already gone dead, leaving him to think about how to best approach Erin to try and fix what might already be broken.

Making up his mind about confronting her about her distant behavior after their next shift ended, he turned on the lights and got dressed.

When he opened the door, thinking about telling Erin to just meet them at the district later, because she had really looked like she could need the rest when he'd seen her in the bullpen earlier in the evening, he almost ran into her.

She must have been grabbing the handle from the other side, because she was tumbling towards him and had his hands not automatically shot out to steady her she would've lost her balance and crashed head first into him.

"Er… what are you doing?" Concern washed over his face when he noticed her red eyes and tear-stained face in the dimmed light emanating from the overhead lamp.

She seemed to be at a complete loss for words and just stared right through him for a couple of moments. Cautiously gauging her reaction, he removed one of his hands from her shoulders and cupped her cheek, using the gentle touch of his palm on her face, to break her out of her reverie.

His hand tilted up her chin, in order to prevent her from avoiding his gaze, when she finally focused her attention on him, a glint of determination in her eye.

"I…" she trailed off, shaking her head and clearing her throat, before starting again, "We need to talk..."


	4. I Love You Like I've Never Felt the Pain

**Title:** Little Do You Know (Inspired by the song _Little Do You Know_ by Alex and Sierra)

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** Sry again for the delay in getting this chapter out. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to include the case or not, but thought it couldn't hurt (no pun intended ;)). Also sry for the cliffhanger, but I just couldn't resist. I know Erin's behavior was a bit more reckless than usual, but she's sleep-deprived and really wants to catch this killer... Next chapter will be the final chapter, so I hope you're ready ;) Thx so much to all of you who have stuck around, left feedback and encouraged me to continue, also to those of you who have just joined us on this small journey ;) I hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise).

 **Cover art by:** **mehtiification**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or any dialogue you recognize from the show, neither do I own** _ **Little Do You Know**_ **by Alex and Sierra.**

* * *

 **Chapter 4:** _(I Love You) Like I've Never Felt the Pain_

Time is a tricky concept, sometimes it feels like hours pass by in the blink of an eye, but sometimes it feels like minutes can stretch out and you feel like time stands still.

Erin didn't know how long she'd spent standing in front of their guest bedroom's door. She'd completely spaced out until her hand had made contact with the door handle and out of a sudden she'd been pulled forward and had almost knocked Jay over who had opened the door from the inside.

She'd stared at him, wide-eyed, not sure he was really there, even though she felt his hands on her shoulders. Only the cool touch of his fingers on her face had been able to get her to focus on what was happening and she'd made the decision to talk to him.

The 'We need to talk' was standing between them now, an opportunity to clear the air, make amends or just make a clean cut.

The surprise on Jay's face was evident, it seemed she'd caught him completely off guard with her little statement, but he recovered quickly and told her that now was not a good time.

She almost spit out "Now is as good a time as any," her anger getting the best of her, but Jay continued before she managed to even open her mouth and said that they had a new case and Voight was expecting them.

Erin knew they needed to get ready, but a mixture of disappointment, dread and doubt settled heavily inside of her. It shouldn't be a problem for them to act professionally on a case one more time, they had done so for the past two weeks, but somehow it felt different know, because she'd actually acknowledged that there was something they needed to talk about, something personal and not work-related.

Jay looked at her again and she felt like she was under a microscope, all her emotions and inner fears were being examined, because once Jay Halstead's blue orbs honed in on you, it was like they bore straight into your soul.

The intensity of his gaze frightened her a little and made her heartbeat speed up again.

His hand still rested on her cheek and he leaned in closer to her, ever so slowly, bending a little so his mouth was only inches away from hers.

Her breath caught in her throat and she finally closed her eyes when she felt his lips ghosting over hers.

She almost expected him to pull away as quickly as he had leaned in, but he didn't. Instead his tongue gently ran over the seam of her lips, asking for permission to enter.

Erin could have ended the kiss now, but that wasn't what she wanted. In that moment all she wanted was to feel connected to the man she loved, the man she'd kept at arm's length for way to longue, so she opened up to him and under the ministrations of his tongue, slowly but steadily melted into him.

Once again time seemed to stand still, when they lost themselves in each other, the kiss growing more intense by the second, fuelled with longing, regret, frustration, heartbreak, passion and love.

When their mouths finally broke apart, they didn't stray too far and Erin couldn't help herself but quickly peck him one more time, missing the feel of his soft lips on hers and the strong connection to him she'd felt mere seconds ago, a strong reminder of what she'd willingly missed out on for far too long.

Their gazes locked and the love she saw shining in his eyes gave her the courage to say what she wanted to say next.

"Jay, I know I've made quite a few mistakes in the past. The most recent one was distancing myself from you… and I, I want to make up for it. I want to explain everything to you and if you're willing to listen to what I have to say, we can talk tonight, or after the case is over…"

It took everything in her not to let her voice waver and she lowered her gaze, afraid that maybe the kiss had just been a slip up and he was tired of waiting for her, tired of hearing her excuses for why it was so difficult for her to talk about what was bothering her instead of just letting it out.

The silence that hung between them was deafening and she took a step back, freed herself from his hand and was ready to run, when he finally spoke up, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I'll do it. I want this, Erin. I want us."

She closed her eyes briefly, tears freely flowing down her cheeks again, and let out a silent sigh of relief, before nodding her head in acceptance and taking a few steps into the direction of her bedroom, to get ready for the day that lay ahead.

"Lindsay," the urgency in his voice when he called out her name, had her turn her head around so fast, that she almost felt a little dizzy, before her gaze focused in on him.

"Never forget that I love you."

* * *

Erin hadn't been able to forget those last words Jay had said to her that morning throughout the entire day.

It was like the weight that had been holding her down lately had been lifted from her shoulders, even though she knew that her suggesting they talked after work and Jay agreeing was just the tip of the iceberg. But hearing him say the three magic words again, after all the pain and heartache she'd caused them had been music to her ears. Even if she didn't think that she was still worthy of his love, she couldn't help but feel happy that he thought she was.

Between chasing down leads on their murder victim, Ernesto Gonzalez, and finally hitting a breakthrough around noon, she hadn't had much time to think about the conversation with Jay and what it would mean for their relationship, but she'd come to the conclusion that she really had to make an effort to show him how much she trusted him this time and that's why she had decided they wouldn't go home to their apartment tonight, but someplace else, a place tainted by more bad memories than she could count, but integral to her past, so that Jay could get a glimpse into what life had been like for her before she'd met Hank Voight all those years ago.

Pushing all the unwanted thoughts and images of her childhood with Bunny out of her mind, Erin cocked her gun and signaled Jay she was going inside.

They were currently positioned in front of one of the now empty and abandoned buildings that had once been a part of the Brach's Candy Factory on Chicago's West Side. Now it was suspected to be home to a secret drug lab, that produced a drug ironically called 'Sweet Sugar' and was connected to Ernesto's murder.

When they entered the building and announced their presence all hell broke loose. There was a loud explosion and for a few seconds Erin wasn't able to hear anything over the shrilling noise in her ears.

The place had obviously been rigged with explosives which meant that someone must've tipped the people running the lab off and when she was finally able to hear again, she could hear Voight screaming for them to get back outside and wait for the bomb squad.

In the corner of her eye she caught a figure running up, or more limping up a flat of stairs near her. The brunette detective knew that it probably wasn't the smartest idea to follow the person trying to escape, because that person most likely was responsible for the explosion and wouldn't hesitate to kill her if they got the chance, but looking over her shoulder and spotting Jay still close by, she decided it was worth a shot and carefully made her way over to the stairwell.

Jay was quick to follow and grabbed her arm just before her foot touched the curtail step, at the same time Voight's angry voice sounded from her earpiece, "Lindsay, Halstead. Get out of there. Now. That's an order."

"Erin, what are you doing?" Jay whispered harshly. "You heard Voight. He wants us to wait outside until we're sure there won't be any other explosive surprises waiting for us."

"But I saw him," Erin insisted.

Jay looked at her confused for a moment and then asked, "Who did you see?"

"Ernesto's killer. You remember the witness describing a man with a limp fleeing the scene? I'm sure it was him. He went up the stairs and if we wait any longer we're gonna lose him. So are you in or are you just gonna let a murderer walk free?"

She impatiently waited for his answer and when Jay finally nodded his head, went in pursuit of their suspect who had got quite the head start.

Erin was aware that she was intentionally putting not only her life but her partner's life at risk as well. She didn't know what exactly had caused her to throw caution to the wind and act so reckless, but she knew that she owed it to Ernesto Gonzalez to try her best and catch his killer, to get the justice he deserved.

* * *

In hindsight Erin mused that it probably would have been better to obey Voight's order, get out of the building and not come back until it had been cleared by the bomb squad.

They had chased their suspect onto the roof where he had gone into hiding between a couple of chimney stacks. When they had approached the stacks cautiously, splitting up so they could move in on him from both sides, Erin had heard a clicking sound and her eyes had widened in horror when she'd noticed a hand grenade rolling towards her.

She'd sprinted off towards the edge of the roof, to get as far away from the thing as possible before it went off, but the blast had still managed to knock her off her feet and she'd rolled over the edge of the building, only managing to grab onto it in the last second, before there would have been nothing to hold onto and she'd have fallen to her death.

Wondering how the hell she'd managed to get herself into this situation while simultaneously attempting to pull herself back up onto the roof, she let out a frustrated scream when she realized she wouldn't be able to save herself without someone else's, preferably Jay's, help.

She cursed the bastard that was Ernesto's killer for throwing the grenade at her and willed herself to hold on for a little while longer, willed herself to ignore the pain, caused by her plummeting to the ground and hitting her right shoulder hard, and tiredness that were spreading out over her body rather quickly, hoping Jay would appear in her line of vision and end this nightmare she was currently living.

Erin thought it really couldn't get any worse until someone cleared their throat and looking up, she came face to face with the last person she wanted to see. The one she had hoped Jay had managed to take out by now.

Their murder suspect towered over her and eyed her with an evil grin.

"Well, well what do we have here?"


End file.
